two down seventy to go!

I no I have only made two payments but it is hugely satisfying knowing im on my way to been debt free. If i don’t experince an iva as “my whole life” and see it as just a minor niggle that runs along my regular life, I find it alot easier to deal with. Why do we stress so much about it? yes you life is slightly controlled but work with it and not against it and it becomes a partnership and not an enemy.

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cant afford to work!

ive found out that if i take the job (paid) i have been offered for 27k after the loss of benefits and my morgage been paid by my insurance and having to pay £466 to my iva rather than £221 i will actually be £1800 a month worse off! lmfao! what the hell is the world coming too when a woman with good qualifications and a great eargerness to work cant afford to work? i dont want to be on benefits all my life its soul destroying and i want my sons to no that mum and dad go to work and thats how it should be.

so i cant possibly go to work for five years. im hoping im going to get on the degree i have applied for, although the student loan and grant will go straight to the iva. great, i get a loan to pay a loan, more like the money will go into another account! there is no way i will allow anyone or any organisation affect or stunt my familys growth.

its time to get real!

sorry for the rant x

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Those little things

I would normally take the children to a theme park on a hot day like this but we decided to take the kids on a picnic today to a park and bird sanctuary. I only spent £15 and the kids had such a nice time, im trying really hard to not let my mistakes affect my childrens life. I dont want them to miss out on anything but i do think i will be more inclined to make clear the importance of how much we should appriciate every penny we have and to not spend for spending sake.

I got a job this week, i start soon but its not paid. Its a shame i cant do a full time job, but i feel if i through myself in the deep end ill come crashing down and get ill again. Ill be teaching a level english and psychology to children with special needs, i think mentally this will be great for me.

This post isnt really about having an iva but the fact is, all things we do generally revolve around money. Shame!

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I was thinking today, if you live in an environment where everyone has everything, you feel the need to achieve the same as your peers. But, if you live in an under privileged area with a crappy car and beef silver-side on the table instead of fillet your not going to feel so pressured to keep up with the Joneses. Or Dingles!. I was raised on a council estate and in the Thatcher years that had no time for family’s, so we had nothing. I think this may have been part of my problem. Its good to have ambition and to want more for yourself when society isn’t offering you anything, and i got it it, at the age of eighteen with a mortgage and credit cards and i was in my element. I’ve always wanted more, but i was just trying to keep up with everyone else and living beyond my means. This was fine when my husband was earning £8k a month but a reality check when im in a middle class house with poorpers money. This iva has really given me a kick up the arse, but also knocked my confidence. I have however started to appreciate the smaller things alot more, i looked in my birdbox today and noticed seven eggs. :)

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arguments in my head!

Im not saying this in the literal sense (as i have bipolar) but, do you ever feel like you have a voice or feeling that keeps everything together and in its nice well presented box, and one that has just lost the use of its bowels and cant even put the kettle on????

My point is i will have hours where i am full of so much dread and negative hopelessness that i sit and cry and belive im not good enough to be the mother and wife of three wonderfull people.  Other times, i take a step back, i put things in perspective and say, “you no what?, you have a beautiful house, car, family and good stimulation for your mind and its only five years of your life that you have to cope with” “you can do it girl”!.

I do worry that even though i dont make my first payment until the 17th of May, that when i get my anual review they will attempt to put my payments on. I have planned every weeks money out up until next year, saving, holiday, food, clothing, products for my childrens care needs and im sure where going to be fine, well today anyway, lol.

I just want to make sure my children dont miss out on the things they need.

Ive already started buying presents for christmas! :)

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My mood has stabilised a hell of a lot since we got our decision and with the sun out the world seems a better and safer place to be in. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow, he wants my mood stabilisers to increase but i think its pointless when things are going so well and there’s no point in taking such a highly toxic drug if its not vital. Im trying really hard to stay organised, but having 3 out of 4 of us having constant drs appointments, new bank accounts, direct debits, managing money and keeping up with normality im just waiting for my illness to come around and wack me in the face again! defetist i no but yet such a gursome reality. I just have to make sure all finances are in order incase that happens.

I’ve planned a barbecue for next week, gardening and cooking are my passion so that should be fun and hopefully not too stressful. Some days are so dark and some are so full of strength but i suppose that’s just bipolar. :)

Sorry for the moan.

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Can we develop?

Ive tried to imagine the next five/6 years. If i go on to do a masters degree the iva will take my grant and my student loan. If i take the teaching job ive been offered i will be £700 worse off a month. If my husband works we will earn a £1000 less. So where is my incentive to develop, be a good role model and work for my children, to get healthier within the next 5/6 years. Not working takes away your sprit, i do voulenteer but its not enough.

On the plus side i was walking the dog with my son the other day in the son yesterday and i realised that this is definitely where I want to raise my children, my home is safe now, i no im in debt but dare i say its only money? my children are been raised in an unbelievably priveledged area, we don’t have much but my budgeting is getting good and where having two holidays (in England) so life goes on. Debts wont stop us living, ever!. Today, im getting there. I feel my mental illness is stabilising.

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can i spend?

my mum gave me £200 today to cheer me up and buy some new clothes. its strange, i find it hard to spend, now i have an iva my finances are accounted for six months in advance and although i could do with a pic me up i feel i have to concentrate on need and not want!so i spent most of it on the kids and filled up my petrol tank. how dull lol.

i am going out with friends tomorrow and cant wait to relax and have a well deserved laugh. i haven’t told anyone i have an iva and im not going too, ive always been the one with the money and now for some reason I cant admit i am on a budget. maybe that says alot about me. but i no i can do this because my home and children’s development depends on it, that’s a good incentive.

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done it!

YES YES YES………………………………………………………………..APPROVED! albeit they want an extra £21 pounds a week! well small price to pay for the roof over my childrens head to be safe and their nice little bedrooms to be their sanctuary. I have such a sense of relief and safety, yeah I no there’s risks, but I can live my life with my children and have no fear of ever losing their lifestyle. Where not rich and wont be for a while but good budgeting can get you what you need, not want. And a few treats for the kids once in a while too. Today was a good day :)

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waiting game

one hour to go. just waiting for that call to tell me if my life is to be nicely corrected and all neat and tidy and controlled by the banks or ill be going for an unstructured debt management plan! so sat her with a cup of tea and 10mg of valium and hoping for the best, hoping for a nice lady to call me at 4pm to say everythings OK. So see you in an hour, ill try not to cry too much over my keyboard! lol

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